Je publie habituellement tous les jeudis mais la machine était grippée. Je n’avais que fichtre du Bonheur, j’expérimentais des remous intérieurs. Il est facile de parler de la félicité quand tout vous sourit mais beaucoup plus difficile quand nos blocages personnels se dressent tels des murs face à nous.
Le nez dessus, je regarde vers le haut, à droite, à gauche et je me sens bien petite et impuissante. Je reconnais ce mur, la couleur et l’odeur de la brique. Je suis déjà passée par ici. Tiens, là, cette encoche, la violence de mon poing qui tentait de traverser, d’exterminer, de détruire ce mur qui n’avait rien à faire là.
Donc me voilà face au même mur. Il a toujours l’air aussi grand, aussi solide. Tout se déchaine en moi. Pourquoi suis-je à nouveau face à ce mur ? N’ai-je rien appris ? Colère, violence intérieure, constat d’impuissance. Vais-je devoir à nouveau subir mes émotions ? Mes pensées sont vampirisées, aspirées, squattées. Les émotions seules maitresses du navire, c’est la grand voile en folie et le risque d’un coup de bôme.
Eh bien ça va vous paraître bien banal mais, avec un peu d’aide, je viens de réaliser que les murs sont parfois là pour nous aider à formaliser ce que l’on veut en ayant devant les yeux ce que l’on ne veut pas. Grace à mon mur, je comprends ce que je désire. J’ai presque honte d’écrire ça parce que c’est d’une simplicité déroutante mais jusqu’ici je n’arrêtais pas de me dire « je ne veux pas ça, je ne veux pas ça » et je fuyais, niais, combattais alors qu’il suffisait de rajouter « si je ne veux pas ça, c’est que je veux ceci ».
Je me concentre sur ceci et je longe le mur jusqu’à ce que ceci apparaisse.
J’aimerais maintenant partager avec vous l’interview de Stéphanie rencontrée le même soir que Yann au cinquante. Elle avait trouvé un peu trop facile de résumer le bonheur à quelques mots car quand la vie ne nous fait pas de cadeaux, tout ça ce ne sont que des belles paroles. J’ai retrouvé Stéphanie pour qu’elle puisse nous donner son point de vue qui fait écho aux difficultés que j’avais de parler du bonheur cette semaine.
A flash in my mind. One of the key to my happiness is compassion.
I have always been very hard on myself. I always thought I might have some qualities but they were always overshadowed by my ugliness. Whether it was physical or mental, at times, it was unbearable to live with myself.
We are all made of light and darkness but again, your vision, the importance you give to one or the other is a major player in what you will feel and develop.
In 2005, I had left New York for a new job in Amsterdam. I was living in a very nice two storey flat in the antiquaire’s quarter. I believed firmly that the lack of meaning I had felt would be erased by a change of scenario. But amazingly, the same symetry in people, situations appeared in my new life! That’s when I asked: “Is there an other way to experience life?” and, shortly after, I met two women.
The first one was Teresa and was a masseuse. She was of Indian (American) descent and used bird feathers and drum music to gently rock your heart. She was very motherly and told me I was beautiful. She nourished my body and my heart.
The second one is Joëlle and is a therapist. She taught me a lot but the main door she opened was compassion.
I was talking with a friend this week who told me how even though she is a tuff cookie, she lately told her story to a group of strangers and the compassion she received changed her vision of life.
That’s what Joëlle did for me. I told her, and for the first time to someone, my story from A to Z and in one sentence of compassion, she opened a huge door in my heart. It felt as if someone was seeing me for the first time.
Once you have compassion for yourself, not self-pity or indulgence, but real compassion, you start to feel the happiness rising. You know you did the best you could with what you had. Now you take responsibility of your destiny and your own happiness. You can now give compassion to the people you cross path with because it has the power to free people from suffering, you’ve experienced it.
Well that’s what I experienced.
I almost forgot! Those two women, Teresa and Joëlle, popped into my life within the same week to teach me just as if I was a child learning the fundamentals of life again. My mother’s and father’s names are Thérèse and Joël. A coincidence.
I live a happy life.
To my biggest surprise nothing can through me off for a long time. Deceptions, feeling of rejection, anger, sadness, loneliness, nothing seems to stick anymore.
I remember being in New York. I was alone in the penthouse apartment floaded with sunlight. I was crying. I would sit on the stairs and cry. I would stand up at the window, look at the statue of liberty and whip. I would lay down on the sofa and stare at the ceiling.
I had it all! The apartment, the car, the outfit of a life on track. I had the fun nights in Manhattans, the home cooked meals with friends, the gym, the paycheck. And still sadness was sticking.
Now I can see that I was feeding it with interpretations, internal stories, my outlook on life.
So what is the difference?
I believe mainly two things have changed:
First, like if I had developed the negative roll, I see life differently. I see all situations, bad or good as opportunities, opportunities to experience and learn. And, if there is something I enjoy in life it is learning. This shift didn’t happened in a day but really started when I said to myself “Is there an other way to experience life?” That question alone brought to me a series of encounter that changed my life and my vision.
Second. Now, I use my emotions like if they were little flashing lights on a car board. Sadness is not a companion anymore; it is merely a nice refreshing shower.
I still experience uncomfortable situations and I feel emotions rising and kicking but I know two reassuring things:
One: I have been through it before and I overcame it.
Two: if it’s too overwhelming, I can retreat and switch it off. Yes just like that. I go to my place, I sit and I am me doing the best I can. I will deal with it but I take a little time off. As soon as I am alone, I am peaceful. It’s like those white flags or like we say when we are kids: “Thumbs up” (at least here in France). When you are in a game, it means, stop. Usually you stop the game to discuss the rules.
Now when I feel a negative emotion, I know it’s a signal. What does it mean? What triggered it? Is it an interpretation, an old vision or do I have to change a way, act differently?
I still have old patterns glued to my brain but even if I don’t stress on it, I know I will tackle it when the time is right.
I can’t give a definition of happiness yet but contrasts in my life give me hints as how to describe it.
